Milestones

When my first child was born, I was not well versed in child rearing. I had done some babysitting in my past (my Aunt Janet blithely trusted me with her offspring), but I really didn't have a clue. However, once I realized I was going to be someone's mum, I wanted to do it right. 

As luck would have it, Bill and I stayed with my parents for the first 6 weeks of our daughter, Emma's life. We leaned on my mum and dad heavily for support. After that stint, Bill and I were largely on our own.  We stumbled along and, in the process, found out that we had similar ideas when it came to parenthood.  We both really wanted our kids to actually like us - not just love us.   

So, we spent a lot of time together as a family and we made it a point to travel as much as we could. That way we could experience new countries, new food, new cultures, and people together as a unit. And, we had a blast.  Don't get me wrong, we also fought like crazed animals, too. Too much togetherness will do that to anyone. The time we spent as a family was precious - and we all intuitively knew it even while it was happening.    

In the process, my daughter became my best friend. I didn't really come to appreciate that fact until my daughter in law, Clare, offhandedly referred to Emma as "my best friend".  I vehemently disagreed with her immediately. I didn't think that a best friend should be/could be your child. Rather, it had to be someone your age and with shared life experience.  Later I started to think about what Clare had said. Emma understands me on a deep level. She often  figures out why I am the way I am and then tries to explain it to me. She is someone on whom I can rely, who has never let me down and gives the best hugs in the world. She is a good listener and not afraid to give her opinion  - even if it hurts. She's the first person I call when I have news to share  (other than Bill, of course!!).  She's the top entry in my "favorites" phone contact and the person with whom I share the most Instagram posts. We talk everyday, I seek out her ideas, and we kvetch about the same things. I love her with all of my being. 

In her 34 years on the planet she's lived within 60 miles of me and in the last few years she's been within 5 miles. It was comforting to know that I could always get to her in a flash if I needed. 

Until today. 

Emma is now living 2500 miles away. She moved lock, stock, and barrel across the country to be with her adorable husband in Nevada. We said goodbye at the airport yesterday and as she walked to the security line, it was like I was watching a movie of my life rather than my actual life. It didn't feel real. How could this wee girl be leaving me? It's just not possible. After all - she's a PART OF ME - even on a cellular level. I started talking to her in utero and I haven't stopped making a daily connection since then. How will this ever work? How will I survive? She is so far away!

I know I'm not alone with this experience; everyone with kids must go through some version of this separation -  for parents are merely "... the bows from which [our] children as living arrows are sent forth." (From Khalil Gibran, The Prophet, Knopf, 1923). All we can do is make sure that we've equipped those arrows well. I like the arrow metaphor that Gibran uses, but I also like to think that there is an invisible tether to that arrow so that parent and child will never, ever be disconnected.  

My attachment to Emma will never be severed - despite the great physical distance. It's comforting to know that nowadays mothers have two types of cellular connection - biological as well as Verizon/AT&T.  I am thankful for the smartphone and Facetime so that I can maintain the semblance of proximity.  And soon I will become a frequent travel on Southwest Airlines!

I will get through this. But, if you see me, I may ask you for a hug.