Part 3 - Living Options

Do you know how many assisted living/memory care/senior care/senior housing/long term care/continuing care/senior living/ nursing homes there are in Western New York? Neither do I. But there are a LOT! I was completely overwhelmed when I got home and started googling the options.

Determined to find a short cut, I started calling friends. My husband, Bill did the same. Everyone had an opinion about the best places. After talking to a bunch of people, I  was even more confused. At least I was until I remembered about my sweet friend, D.Mac. She's an expert in the field of senior care.  She's also a forthright and honest  person and she gave me her top 3 choices as well as her reasons why they were on her list. I trust this woman because she'd already done all the research - plus she knows my mum.

Narrowing it down to three options made the process so much more manageable. I made appointments and started touring. I felt like a reporter armed with my notebook and taking photos. I asked about food, apartment size, what happens if the residents get sick, staff turnover, outings, amenities, and, most importantly ...availablity. Because, guess what? It's hard to get a spot in these joints. Very hard. I really felt mum could handle the more independent 'assisted living' rather than 'memory care' because she was still pretty self sufficient. But, I wanted a facility that had access to a memory care unit if it became necessary. 

Of course, while researching  these facilities, I was simultaneously dealing with tremendous guilt. Shouldn't mum live with me? Shouldn't I alter my house so she could navigate it?  How was I going to put this sweet, wee woman in the hands of strangers? What was I thinking? I beat myself up pretty badly going back and forth on this issue. Soul searching is not something I spend a lot of time doing - but this time it was necessary. But, after seeing what the facilities could offer mum, and the trained professionals that I'd met, I  knew that they were better equipped than I. Plus, I knew that I could visit any time and mum could come over for dinner, or a swim, or we could go shopping or go to concerts... She just wouldn't sleep at our house. At least that's how I consoled myself. And  how I still console myself.

Once I decided on the place that made the most sense for mum AND  they had told me there was a "good" chance an apartment would be available in the coming months, I put a packet together for mum to look through and flew back down to Florida. It was early March and I had spent a few sleepless nights going over the conversation I would  have with mum about this big move. I'd heard too many stories (from the facility workers as well as my friends) of parents who absolutely refused to move. And, given the fact that my mum had always told me that if things got "too much" she was just  going to end things by walking into the Gulf of Mexico, I knew I'd have to use every bit of my persuasiveness to get her to leave her lovely home and her access to her 'last resort'. 

The good news was that she had  remained stable since I saw her last and she was still normal when I flew back down. Phew - a conversation was at least feasible. I waited a couple of days before I broached the subject. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting my mum... I'll just say this: She's an angel. She is sweet and kind and polite and giving and appreciates everything. She can also  hold a grudge for a very, very long time. Luckily, her memory lapses had allowed her to "forgive" a lot of people that were previously on her shit list. I didn't want to be on her shit list.

After I laid everything on the table, I took a deep breath. I had sweetened the story by trying to make it seem like an adventure. There was furniture to be bought (I  brought catalogs to look through) , an apartment to decorate, and new friends to make. Her grandchildren would all be within 15 minutes of her place and she could come and hear Bill's band anytime (she's a big fan). My mum looked at me and said "If you think this is what I should do, then we should do it". I exhaled. 

I called Kevin and told him "She's in."  Now, we wait for an apartment to become available. Knowing that there was a potential end date in sight, Kevin also allowed himself to feel a modicum of relief. But, the guilt that we both felt weighed heavily on us. Moving mum from a beach condo in sunny Florida to a 500 square foot apartment in beleagured Buffalo might be too much for any of us to bear.